To the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast by Howard Ashman and Alan Menken
Filked by Kristen

As sung by Obi-Wan, with Qui-Gon in quotes.

Gosh, it perturbs me to see you, Qui-Gon,
Upsetting Yoda and Mace.
You could be siting there with them, Qui-Gon,
That is, if you'd just learn your place.
There's no Master here who's as awesome as you,
You know you're my favorite Jedi!
Everyone wanted to be trained by you,
But you chose me, I'm glad, and here's why-

No…one's…bold like Qui-Gon,
When they're old like Qui-Gon.
No one cheats when a chance cube is rolled like Qui-Gon!
For there's no one who's quite as prophetic.
"Yes, that slave boy is special, I swear!"
Was not even a little bit skeptic,
When Shmi claimed that her boy just popped out of thin air!

None expound like Qui-Gon,
Thoughtfully frown like Qui-Gon.
None can stare their young Padawans down like Qui-Gon!
"As a Master, I sure can be patronizing."
Thanks for your wisdom, Qui-Gon!

Give five "be mindfuls,"
Give twelve "very wells,"
He'll do what he wants
And the Council can go to Hell!

No one frees like Qui-Gon,
Flirts with Shmis like Qui-Gon.
No one bets Republic dataries like Qui-Gon!
We should never have brought the brat with us,
He'll only cause trouble, of course.
"But doing what's right is my business,
Plus I think that Ani will balance the Force!"

No one fights like Qui-Gon,
Wields fierce might like Qui-Gon,
Then gets trapped by a red wall of light like Qui-Gon.
"Hey, I use those pauses for meditating!"
Whatever you say, Qui-Gon.

"When but an initiate I trained in the Force,
Every day to help me get strong.
And now that I'm old I am stronger of course-
Midichlorians help me along!"

No one spars like Qui-Gon,
Knows the stars like Qui-Gon,
No one picks up pathetic Jar-Jars like Qui-Gon.
"And you think compassion is my undoing!"
-You're gonna die-
Wonder who's time is nigh?
Who will fight bravely with
Snarling two-bladed Sith?

At the end of the clash
Can't you guess? He gets trashed!
Then of course I will have to fill in.
In whose name do you think I'll dispatch the villain?
His name is Q-U-I…G..
Awww! Qui-Gon!


"Padawan, I'm afraid that I'm dying."
Maybe you'll make it!
"Oh, no. But I made a commitment to Ani,
And convinced Shmi to let her son go.

Now it seems I won't be here to train him,
Since I fell to our black and red friend.
But I told that small fry he could be a Jedi,
Obi-Wan, so here's where you come in!"

"If I…"
"whisper whisper"
"Whisper….Train Anakin….whisper, whisper"
I get it! Oh, Nooooooo!

No one tires like Qui-Gon,
"Or expires like Qui-Gon."
No one burns in a funeral pyre like Qui-Gon.
Now my own padawan I am stuck with training,
All thanks to you, Qui-Gon!

POSTED 08.23.2005 / KEYWORDS: Jedishampoo